The Precariousness of HR & Coworker Friendships
Some say that if you work in HR, you can’t be friends with your coworkers. I know that it can be done, but it takes mutual maturity and understanding.
In my first HR role as HR Coordinator for a plastic manufacturer, I became “coworker friends” with our permanent temporary receptionist. We never hung out outside the office, but shared life stories and struggles at work and home. The plant manager called me into her office to confirm that she would terminate the receptionist. It took a few days for the event to happen, but when it did, my coworker friend knew that I knew she would be fired. She was so sad and hurt that I didn’t give her a heads-up. I couldn’t, could I? Or could I?
Fast forward to another time, I knew a coworker friend would be fired. Again, we didn’t hang out outside work but would share life and work stories and occasionally have lunch together. From an HR perspective, I could see that my coworker friend struggled in her job, not necessarily with the work but with how the company wanted her department to be led and perceived. Inevitably, the day came when I learned she would be fired.
I didn’t want to repeat the hurt and sadness from my earlier experience, so I invited my coworker friend to lunch. As we moved through our casual conversation over pizza and a salad, I asked her, “So, what do you think you’d like to do someday if you ever left the company?” She looked at me, tilted her head, and said thoughtfully, “I’d like to work for a bigger company with an unconditional budget.” I asked, “Do you think that will ever happen where you are?” She shook her head and said sadly, “No. I really don’t.” I tried to comfort her by saying, “Well, God works in mysterious ways. You never know what’s next.” She looked at me so intently that I knew she knew what I was trying so hard not to tell her. A few days after that lunch, she was terminated, and all on good terms, although it was still tough. Before she left, she hugged me and said thank you. She had tears in her eyes because it was still hard, but at least she was smiling through those tears. Today, she is happy and thriving in her career.
Both of these experiences taught me so much. In the first scenario, I had only just begun working in HR. I was young and didn’t have the HR chops to handle such a sensitive situation. In the second scenario, I was on the same peer level as my coworker friend, and we were work allies loving the company and the job. I was a few years older (and wiser) and had much more HR experience. Believe me when I tell you I don’t know it all, but I handled this situation so much better with God's grace.
It's the part I hate most about HR – the terminations. Sometimes, people earn their termination, but other times, it comes down to a poor culture, job, or team fit. I have found that it’s just about impossible to be real friends with co-workers outside of HR. Most can’t handle it from the perspective of knowledge share and expectation. I have a precious few true friendships with coworkers. I consistently strive to be friendly and show myself friendly, but I try to color within the lines and respect boundaries. It’s the best way for HR to maintain credibility and trust. If we lose those, it’s time to move on.
If you choose to be coworker friends with someone, establish those boundaries right from the beginning. I suggest staying within the same peer level to avoid extra layers of awkwardness. Never share confidential information, not even on a cross-my-heart-hope-to-die-pinky-promise promise. It doesn’t feel good. Trust me. I know. Do your best to keep your conversations casual and avoid work stuff. Be careful not to let your coworker friend’s personal stories interfere with your professional judgment. You may be asked someday to share your opinion on their performance or discuss potential separation. It can get uncomfortable.
When you work in HR, coworker friendships can be challenging, but the relationship can be so rewarding with the right coworker friends. I hope the experiences I’ve shared have encouraged you in some way today. Please contact me if you need someone to talk or pray with you. You are not alone. ♥